Are you a captive of your past ?
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Do you find yourself transported completely back to a particular time in your past?
Does this happen over and over again? If yes, then you are a captive of your past, at least according to me.
I often find myself going back to my home in Thambaram, right to the days between my engagement and marriage. The laughter that surrounded me then, never dies within me. Relatives calling in all the time. My parents pampering me. My cousins teasing me - almost never ending. This is miss what I most of all. Its painful to think about it, yet i keep going back to those memories. It is ironical that i somehow draw strength from it. If i can survive the separation from my parents and cousins and the home that drew us all close together, I can survive anything.
In the past 10 years of my marriage, I have learnt to neatly tuck those memories into some corner of my mind and labelled it with "Do not surface back". It was very unbearable in the begining. I compare my separation from my home to that of separation of young lovers. May be I am exagerrating. Afterall, every girl is prepared from when she is born for this day. It does not make it any less painful. If you knew you were going to lose a loved one, does that make the loss any more bearable than if you did not know?
I can remember the terrace in our home where I spent a lot of my time studying, dreaming, chatting with friends over cell phone. The wonderful breeze and the beautiful smell of incense from the nearby temple - this I can almost feel and smell. Does this bring happiness to me ? Does this bring sadness? I am uncertain.
Marriage is always portrayed as the happiest time for a girl, and for her family. May be all the folks who do it are very optimistic and I am the only one on the other side of the wall. I see this of two distinct events, each should be given importance in its own right. First comes the love you leave behind, your family. Only then comes the new home. Why should girls choose between both ? Why can't they have both ?
I can only hope that someday I can think of these memories and not cringe at the thought. Someday I hope to overcome the fear in me that i will drown again in the love and affection of my family. Yes, for it is my real home and I know I can never get that back.
---------------------------------
Do you find yourself transported completely back to a particular time in your past?
Does this happen over and over again? If yes, then you are a captive of your past, at least according to me.
I often find myself going back to my home in Thambaram, right to the days between my engagement and marriage. The laughter that surrounded me then, never dies within me. Relatives calling in all the time. My parents pampering me. My cousins teasing me - almost never ending. This is miss what I most of all. Its painful to think about it, yet i keep going back to those memories. It is ironical that i somehow draw strength from it. If i can survive the separation from my parents and cousins and the home that drew us all close together, I can survive anything.
In the past 10 years of my marriage, I have learnt to neatly tuck those memories into some corner of my mind and labelled it with "Do not surface back". It was very unbearable in the begining. I compare my separation from my home to that of separation of young lovers. May be I am exagerrating. Afterall, every girl is prepared from when she is born for this day. It does not make it any less painful. If you knew you were going to lose a loved one, does that make the loss any more bearable than if you did not know?
I can remember the terrace in our home where I spent a lot of my time studying, dreaming, chatting with friends over cell phone. The wonderful breeze and the beautiful smell of incense from the nearby temple - this I can almost feel and smell. Does this bring happiness to me ? Does this bring sadness? I am uncertain.
Marriage is always portrayed as the happiest time for a girl, and for her family. May be all the folks who do it are very optimistic and I am the only one on the other side of the wall. I see this of two distinct events, each should be given importance in its own right. First comes the love you leave behind, your family. Only then comes the new home. Why should girls choose between both ? Why can't they have both ?
I can only hope that someday I can think of these memories and not cringe at the thought. Someday I hope to overcome the fear in me that i will drown again in the love and affection of my family. Yes, for it is my real home and I know I can never get that back.
4 comments:
Nice one anni!!!
Awesome di...love reading ur feelings ;-) Keep it going...Ani
brinkka2011 says: *,very nice page, i certainly enjoy this website, keep on it, keeping on!
Bit delayed, but thank you all.
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